Men Are From Mars. Too Bad They Didn’t Stay There.

Women Who Seek To Be Equal To Men Lack Ambition.

Most perpetrators of violent crimes and most victims of homicide and suicide are young males between the ages of 15-24 years. Take a few moments now and try this simple exercise. Write down the words that first come to mind from the “act like a man” box. How do we train boys to behave in our culture? What qualities do we expect them to demonstrate?

Now repeat the exercise for the “act like a woman” box. How do we train girls to behave in our culture? What qualities do we expect them to demonstrate?

What words do we, or other children use, if a girl or boy deviates from what is expected in their box?

The leading causes of death for young people in this country are motor vehicle crashes, suicide and homicide. Depending on where you are in the country the order may shift, but that is what is killing and hurting our young. The training starts early in our culture. To be a man, one must express certain emotions and repress others. Anger is the most allowable feeling for male humans; anger is not encouraged for females, for whom fear and sadness are more desirable. The “act like a man” training manual means a young boy is supposed to be tough, in control, not cry or be afraid, hide feelings and make money. He is expected to fight, tolerate being ignored, play sports, and take various forms of harassment that will help him be more ‘manly’. The “act like a woman” training manual demands that young girls play the counterpart. If men are to be the heroes, they must have someone relatively helpless to save. Thus girls can be smart, but not too smart. They can make money, but not more than their male companion. They must accept as normal being whistled at, catcalled, pinched, and accused of having a bad reputation if they seek the same sexual outlets as young men. They are supposed to be sexy but not too sexy, passive caretakers who are sweet and polite and interested in the boy’s future more than their own. We train women to be nurturers. Normally little boys don’t play with dolls unless the are power ranger or wrestling dolls, destined to beat the heck out of each other.

A man who doesn’t follow these cultural guidelines is called a wimp, pussy, sissy or queer. A woman who fails in her standards is a whore, bitch, slut, dyke or butch. We all lose as a result of such cultural training. Even realizing that theses roles are shifting, that the boxes are perhaps less rigid for more and more of the population, the reality is that the consciousness of such change is still not commonplace when applied to how we are raising our young. It is not really a big surprise that young men, well conditioned in this mode of being, begin to act out violently. They are desperately seeking a diploma in masculinity which the larger culture suggests can only be achieved by risky, acting-out behaviors.

Because of their inexperience in recognizing, allowing and expressing a wide range of human emotions, young men tend to channel any feeling into anger. The expansive keyboard of feelings, including guilt, shame, rejection, anxiety, loneliness, hurt, fear and depression are ignored, denied, suppressed, or medicated away with drugs. The individual then experiences body sensations of being frustrated and tense which translate and seek release in anger, hostility, rage and ultimately violent acting out in an attempt to get what he wants. The other scenario is that the violence is directed inward. In view of the boxes, it is easy to understand why a teenage girl attempting suicide will often take five aspirin, leave the bottle on the table and call three of her friends, while a male in a similar state of mind will simply take the family gun and blow his brains out. The  youth suicide rate has quadrupled in the last 30 years, with young males bearing most of this burden. Young males are most often the perpetrators of violence, as well as the largest percentage of people killed by homicide and suicide.

The solution is to consciously raise boys and girls the same way, in the sense that every human being is entitled to learn how to be assertive as opposed to aggressive when dealing with conflict, and that all young people need to learn about emotional fluency, the basics of mad, sad, glad, and afraid. How do we handle conflict when it arises between young people? What kinds of gifts do we buy them for birthdays, Kwanza, Christmas, Hanukkah? Do they support their creative imagination? Do we encourage young boys to cry when appropriate, and young girls to be assertive, to help hem not get into the above destructive boxes in the first place? Do we encourage nurturing play in boys and expansive creative play in girls? Remember, this is only one of many puzzle pieces, yet it is an arena that we can directly influence for the better.

Victor La Cerva, M.D.

formerly of: New Mexico Department of Health

Author of Pathways to Peace and Worldwords

(To order either title call 800-322-4233)

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Mariposa Men’s Wellness Institute was founded in 2001

to help men become emotionally healthy.